Everything was about to change. I couldn’t tell whether that change was going to be bad or good, but I knew deep down that it had to happen. Things have been going on in my relationship for so long that stress and resentment had built up inside me. It eventually overtook my emotions and I was no longer the person I used to know. My instability and financial debt was taking control of my life and because of that, I was hurting the one I loved.
When I first met Harry, I was in no way ready for a relationship. It turned out that, the night I drove to him to lay under the stars, a relationship was soon to bloom. I never thought I would be happy with someone again, but somehow he brought joy into my life. Timing, however, was not in our favor.
A few months had passed as we enjoyed our new relationship and Harry was moving in. My bed was now ours; my food was now ours; my house was now ours. It was so different having a significant other living with me in the home I originally built for myself, but it was happening. I wish things would have turned out differently for the both of us, but here we are.
Recently, I sat Harry down and told him he deserves everything the world has to offer. He deserves happiness and comfort in what he does and who he is with. He was not happy with me and I knew that. I had hurt him one too many times and the regret I had for those moments was unbearable. Everyone around us knew that we had problems and they could sense an expiration date coming soon. As much as we may have wanted to prove everyone wrong, they were right. That expiration date came, Harry moved out, and we are no longer together. I made a hard decision, but it was for the sake of his happiness. Believe me, I didn’t make that decision for myself. I am now stuck with all the home bills and all the stress, so I screwed myself over in the end.
However, a relationship is not about relying on another individual. It’s about being in a commitment where love is everything one could imagine. Similarities bring you together and differences make you stronger. We had very little similarities and a whole lot of differences, so it became hard after a while to find a happy balance between the two of us. Harry is the kindest individual I have ever met in my life. He did not deserve the way I treated him and he sure as hell did not deserve to be burdened with my baggage.
Now, as I live without him, I walk through the rooms of my home, and I can picture us how we were, and how we could have been. My blackened heart was not good enough for him. I miss him everyday, but I know in time he will be happier than he thought he would be. He reminds me often that I hurt him tremendously and I know it’s true. I had no patience, no tolerance, and I always saw things differently. Then again, we were just so different that we never really agreed on anything.
I go back and forth with my emotions. For a while, when we were still together, I was annoyed with so many things. From cleanliness at home, to not doing anything together, it felt like he became so comfortable that he stopped caring. Towards the end of our relationship, I started to try more. I stopped complaining about cleaning, and accepted that I can’t afford to go out and do things, but then it seemed like he became me. I was being nicer and more affectionate, while he seemed to hate me in some sort of way. I, then, started to understand his perspective. I treated him badly for so long that he just gave up. It seemed like I broke him down to pieces to the point that the bones could not be fixed. I was everything I told myself I would never be.
I’m not saying that I am incapable of love. What I am saying is that with so many differences in our relationship, it was getting hard to rely on our similarities. We were too different and I know opposites attract, but don’t always assume that is true. I thought that at first, but I soon found that it wasn’t working. So, after a lot of back and forth, and deep thought it’s time to turn the page. A lot of my friends have become his friends and if we were to clash, it would make my friendships complicated, and I do not want that. I want this to eventually be okay for him, me, and everyone around us. Only in time will that happen.
I understand what I did to him. Letting him go was probably the best thing for the both of us. One day he will hopefully understand why I did what I did. As much it will hurt me to see him with someone else, I’ll accept it because I know he deserves the happiness. My love for him will always remain and I will always be there for him if he needs me. For now, I have to give him his space and hope that the hurt will ease. Maybe one day he won’t be so upset with me and our lives can feel normal again.
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. To me, I think he was put into my life to show me that there are still good people out there. He showed me respect, appreciation, tolerance, and love. He opened my eyes to a lot of life problems I have going on. Now i have to take time to work on myself, as everyone should do at some point in their life. It’s my goal to work on patience, stability, anger, and finances. I need to be better to myself, so I can be better for someone else.
As for him, I hope he understands what he is truly worth. If he were to learn one thing from being with me, I would want him to know to never settle. Never sacrifice your happiness for anyone or anything. If the person your with does not appreciate you how you are, don’t stay with them. There is always a choice whether that choice is easy or not. Believe me, the choice I made was not easy. It hurt me so much to hurt him, and it was never my intention to have him feel the way he does. Now, he has his familys support, and friends to keep him company.
Happiness is out there for everyone. We just have to know when something is real and when something is there to teach us a lesson for a future time in our lives. Not everyone that is placed in our lives are meant to stay forever. Some are just a lesson learned and some are a treasure found for a lifetime. Although I lost a genuinely kind person, I wasn’t ready for it. He has things to work on and so do I. We can’t force ourselves to be in something that isn’t meant to be. I am content with my choice and hopeful for better choices to come. There are still lessons to be learned and when those trials of life come my way, I will be ready more than I was before. To Harry, thank you for everything. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I pray that you do well and that your life is full of excitement and happiness.
Cheers to a better future!